The Dead Weight

Today I was thinking about the Morning Banana Diet which is another goofy fad diet that was started in Japan. Actually, relative to a lot of stuff that comes out of Japan, this isn’t all that goofy. What it amounts to is: Eat a banana or two for breakfast. I have no doubt that people lose weight on this diet. Not because there is something about the diet itself that makes you lose weight, but just because it forces you to pay a little attention to what you’re eating which is all you need to start losing weight. There’s a reason a lot of fad diets work at the beginning and then stop working. And it’s not a matter of the diet itself failing or your body adjusting to it. It’s just that it’s not new and novel anymore so you don’t give it the attention you were at the start. It wasn’t the diet so much that was helping you lose weight, it was the attention you were giving to the food you were eating.

It’s like a relationship. You start a new relationship and you’re putting a lot of effort into it and you’re thinking, “This is great. He’s great. We have so much fun together.” But then the novelty wears off, you stop putting as much effort into it, things fall apart, and you start looking for a new person.

In that way the serial dater and the serial dieter have a lot in common. They’re looking outside themselves for the answers. The obvious solution is to try and find in yourself what you’re looking for outside of yourself.

But hell, that’s hard to do. So here’s an idiotic fad diet for you all to enjoy!

I call it, The Google Diet. The way it works is this. Google this phrase “andy ate a” except instead of Andy use your name. Make sure to google it in quotes. You’ll end up with a certain number of results. For example, I had 126. Now, whatever follows the “a” is what you’re allowed to eat at that meal. For example, my first result is “Andy ate a mountain of peppers.” So for breakfast on day one I can eat a mountain of peppers. It’s that easy. Your second result is what you can have for lunch, your third result is what you have for dinner, your fourth result is what you have for breakfast on Day 2. For example, my first three days on the Google Diet would look like this:

Day One

Breakfast: Mountain of peppers

Lunch: A bottle of Vitamin C

Dinner: A daddy longlegs

 

Day Two

Breakfast: A plum

Lunch: A frozen loaf of bread

Dinner: A lot of black beans

 

Day Three

Breakfast: Chorizo and French fries

Lunch: Salad

Dinner: A cat

 

Yum!

Once you get to the end of the results, you just loop around again. Or you can try Googling “_____ ate some” for a whole new diet. It’s just that easy! And I guarantee you’ lose five pounds in one week. Or one pound in five weeks, I forget the data. Have fun!